When I divorced, I knew that I was going to be as active a parent as I could. Early co-parenting efforts were tough, but eventually my ex and I created a peaceful co-existence. I even felt like my kids were thriving. Although we hadn’t had a specific discussion about our parenting style, my ex and I tended towards a respectful parenting style rather than a disciplinarian one. Respectful parenting is just that, treating your child with respect and demonstrating respectful behavior. Things were trucking along just fine until the kids entered their teen years,

My ex has always had a way with young children. But as the kids got older, it was apparent that she did not like the way they asserted their independence. She became more authoritarian while I remained in the respectful mode. It got interested to watch how the kids responded to this difference in parenting style. My son grew to be angry and disrespectful at his mother’s home. He would openly defy her just to get a rise out of her. At my home, he was moody and sometimes withdrawn, but he never had the explosive outburst like he did at his mother house. At the time, I really thought this was because we didn’t have him the majority of the time. And maybe because I was his dad, and it is harder for a son to disrespect his father without consequences.

Now when I look back, I can see where the parenting styles we chose had a huge impact on the way the kids responded to us. When they were young, they were easier to control and their upsets were not so explosive. As the kids matured and had their own ideas, my respectful style allowed them to participate with me in finding solutions rather than arguing all the time. When my ex became more authoritarian, she removed the kids input from the situation and told them how to behave. They rebelled against this and showed their frustration in their disrespectful attitudes. I don’t know if my ex would agree with my analysis, but I do know that my home was much more peaceful than hers during those teenage years.

My older son didn’t do much. He got pretty good grades but he really didn’t put much effort into school.  He didn’t play sports and wasn’t really a joiner.  For a while he was in a band but they didn’t practice often and never had a gig.  So when he asked for a cell phone I felt that he should pay for it.  As a responsible co-parent, I spoke with my ex-wife about her opinion. We offered to purchase a phone for his birthday, but he would have to pay for the bill each month.  It would require for him to get a job. He wasn’t happy about the plan but he started looking for a job.  We tried to help him out but he really didn’t seem that interested.  Finally he landed a job at a local Jamba Juice.  He worked for a few months but really didn’t have his heart in it. He ended up getting fired and lost his phone because he couldn’t pay.  Good life lesson if you ask me.

Things were different with my daughter.  She was very responsible.  She worked so hard in school and received all A’s.  She was involved in school activities and played soccer on the school team and on a team outside of school. She was on a college path and we were very proud.  When she wanted a phone, I felt that the same bargain should apply.  We could buy her a phone as a gift and she could pay for the service.  This time my ex-wife didn’t agree.  She felt that our daughter’s first priority should be school.  While I agreed I also felt like kids should contribute financially for things they want.  Since I didn’t have primary custody, I didn’t have as much control.  I decided that I was not willing to pay for phone service and if my daughter couldn’t work, I wasn’t going to buy her a phone. Eventually my ex broke down.  Not only did she buy the phone, but she paid for the service as well. I don’t know if there was a good lesson in there for my daughter.  She has been doing pretty well on her own.  But I still think getting a job is a good way for kids to learn responsibility.

For my teenager who can drive, it’s not so bad.  She took a babysitting class so she could learn infant CPR and baby-sit at night.  She is also working part time. For me, there is no parenting class to teach me how to occupy my kids during the summer months.  Single parenting is always a challenge but the summer just takes the cake.  I have recently put together some ideas that are nearly free that have helped me survive these summer months.

• Family Film Festivals-in many towns the local movie theater offers movies for families for free or for a reduced cost.  The movies are not the most recent, but seeing any movie on the big screen is a thrill for my 7 and 9 year old. Because it’s a family movie festival, many parents bring infants, strollers and diaper bags.  This means the theater doesn’t care that you bring your own snacks and drinks to these shows.  I don’t know about you, but $8 for popcorn seems a little steep
• AMC bowling allies are offering free bowling for kids under 16 this summer. Check your local ally for offers like these.  Bowling can be really fun. Some allies even have bumpers for the kids.  This means no more gutter balls which is fun for everyone.
• Local nature trails are a super way to spend the afternoon. Walking by a lake or river can really be a treat in the summer.  You can wade into the water, teach the kids how to skip stones and watch for wildlife. Where I live there is a fish hatchery that is open all year long.  They have huge concrete tanks with fish of different ages that you can feed.  My kids still love this place.
• Your local library often will have programs for toddler through teens. Activities include reading and art but often are expanded in the summer. Our library brings in all kinds of magicians, storytellers, animal experts and artists. The best thing about these library programs is you can check out a book every week and see if you can finish it before the next week’s program.

These are just a few of the things I’ve found in my community. We also try to get together with friends at the park and at the community pool.  Kids really do keep each other entertained.

The first thing that struck me was the amount of negative information that was out there about single parenting.  Things like “children of broken homes are doomed” and “children of single parents have low self esteem”.  Wow, that sure makes you feel supported doesn’t it? The thing is, it doesn’t have to be like that. Children of single parents are often more capable and independent.  They are problem solvers and can get things done.  When you flip those negatives around, it started to sound better.

And there were some real positives for me as well. When my kids were with their mother, I got to do things that I had forgotten I enjoyed.  I went dancing and hung out with my buddies.  Without the kids around I really got to pay attention to life outside of fatherhood.  And getting that time for myself left me more available to be with the kids when I did have time with them.  It was harder to take them for granted when they weren’t always underfoot.

Another thing I learned was that I had to simplify my life and learn to ask for help.  Help from my friends and family, and also from my kids.  It really is OK to have the kids help with cooking and cleaning.  They really benefit from contributing to a goal and seeing that goal achieved.  They will take pride in those achievements.  When parents do too much for their kids, we set them up for failure.

And I had to simplify as well.  Maybe they kids have to share story time so I can get in the 20 minutes.  Perhaps they don’t always get desert because homework has to come first. Kids are adaptable and you have no obligation to make your family look like anyone else’s. So I began my single parenting adventure.  I admit it was rough at first, but slowly over time it got easier.  Change is never simple but it can be a very positive thing.

When I got remarried, I wanted to create some new traditions with my kids and my new wife.  This is where the trouble started. The first few years she always had her way. I was willing to compromise, especially around lesser holidays.  We never had the kids with us for Halloween for example.  Even if it was my scheduled weekend, I took the kids to her house and we would both take the kids trick-or-treating.  This continued after we both re-married and the new spouses were incorporated.  We started switching every other Thanksgiving so the kids got to see one family each year.  Easter began with whoever had them got to celebrate with them.  This turned into every other Easter when she had her new baby.  Then there was Christmas.  I had the kids for Christmas dinner, around 6 PM on Christmas day.  This was OK until I re-married.  My new wife had family and they wanted to see us as well.  I couldn’t travel because I’d lose my time with the kids. So I told my ex that I wanted to have the kids on Christmas Eve some time so we could celebrate with my new family.  That didn’t work.  She didn’t care about my family, only hers.  My wife and I stopped traveling for Christmas.

Then my ex decided that she wanted a family Christmas and had the nerve to ask me if I could just take the kids on the 26th instead of Christmas Day.  Again, the disrespect of my family and the favoring her own.  I was livid and told her no.  That was one of our biggest fights.  She actually had the nerve to say that I didn’t respect her as the kids’ mother. It was truly ridiculous.  I am proud though; I held my ground and told her that I was the kids’ father and that I had a right to spend Christmas with my kids.  She refused to drop them off, but that just gave me control of the timing.  I was on her doorstep at 6 o’clock on the dot.  They weren’t ready but that’s OK.  Co-parenting through divorce is hard, but it is manageable.  Be respectful of the other parent, but don’t be a doormat either.

The interesting thing is, I never considered what it meant to bring a woman into my life and into the little family I had created with my kids.  After being married to a controlling shrew of a woman, I finally had some independence.  I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted.  During the week when my kids were with their mom, Helen and I were a great couple.  But as time went on and we moved in together, we had some tension regarding my kids.  She wanted to know why I took them out to McDonalds every Thursday when I picked them up.  She felt like I should consult her before changing my visitation arrangements. Then she started in about bed time.

At first I thought Helen was criticizing my parenting style. Her parents were licensed counselors who had created online parenting classes.  She liked to butt in with her take on everything.  Also, like my first wife, she liked to be in control and I was so over being controlled.  As she grew more frustrated, I grew more rigid.  No one was going to tell me what to do with my kids.  Then we had that big fight.  Luckily the kids weren’t there so we were really able to hash things out. 

“I thought we were supposed to be building a family” Helen said.  Of course we were, but she was not my kids’ mother.  Bam!!! The hammer fell.  I had been letting her take care of the daily things for my kids:  shopping, laundry, cooking, bath time, clean up time.  But I didn’t want her help with anything else.  She rightly pointed these things out and told me that if I wanted her help, then I would have to include her in the decisions.  And if I didn’t want to include her, she would stop helping with the kids and let me do it all.  At that moment I realized how much she had given to me and my kids.  The fact that she would take us on and include us in her life was a huge undertaking.  I had been taking advantage of that fact. 

So I started to get better.  I compromised with her about the issues that she was concerned about.  When I didn’t agree, I gave her a real reason instead of the “because I’m their Dad”.  She stopped criticizing so much and became understanding of how hard it was for me to only get 8 days a month with my kids.  We became a united front and a stand for what was best for my kids…our kids.

When Trent made his new request to me, many things went through my mind. Would I be able approach the situation strictly as a parent, and not as her ex?  Should I ask for or demand the time? Maybe I could offer to take a parenting teenagers class, just to prove that I am serious.  I decided to have a frank discussion with Trent about the reasons he wanted to live with me.  Being a weekend dad, I had always changed my schedule to allow me the most time with my kids.  I was concerned that my kids didn’t really grasp that I did not live my life the same way when they weren’t there.  My current wife expressed concern that I would not be able to keep my “weekend dad” attitude with full time parenting duties.  I also realized that my son could not be allowed to change his residence when the going got tough or he disagreed with the rules.

So I decided that Trent, my ex-wife and I should sit down together.  It was really Trent’s conversation, and he needed to make his mother understand his desires.  My job was to be a stand for my son, to mirror Trent’s words and to make sure his mother listened.  I also felt that I needed to be a role model for my son and show him how to stand up for what he wanted.  As the conversation progressed, it was as I feared.  She was angry and it was hard for me to keep my cool.  I became more of a mediator between my son and her.   In the end, I feel like we backed down.  Instead of full time or part time custody, my ex gave in to 2 extra days each month.  It was her contention that the change should be gradual.  Looking back I am proud that I was able to hold it together and not fight dirty.  But I wish I had simply told her what I wanted and let her deal with her anger instead of letting her control the situation.